Welcome to The Watchdog’s kick-off to a new opinion column. “The Ironist” will present an argument using that mighty tool known as verbal irony, or sarcasm. Irony has long served as an expression of protest and disdain–a weapon and a balm for those living in tough, turbulent times like our own.

      Lockdowns are a clear violation of everyday Americans’ constitutional rights to do whatever they want. The virus is just a simple flu, so it really doesn’t matter if you get it. Your grandma doesn’t matter if it comes between the common man and his ability to go to the beach with his entire family. The one hundred thousand people who have died so far just didn’t use enough essential oils to combat the flu. A simple, hard-working person can easily overcome the virus with a bit of patience, so there is no reason to lock up the shop. The stimulus check wasn’t enough for the common man anyway. The hospitals filled to the brim with people are clearly just faking the numbers. The numbers are only inflated by the media to try to trick the fools into believing that isolation can stop a silly virus. I believe in the might of my President to guide me when I go to the grocery store without a mask. My life should not have to stop because someone else is afraid of putting others at risk.

      Now, it’s fair to say that all of this stems from the same place: Dr. Anthony Fauci and his Coalition of Demon Crusaders (CDC). They may say that we have to stay 6 feet apart, but if I want to love and embrace my neighbor like Jesus intended, then I will. Last time I checked I have an immune system that is meant to combat every disease. It should not matter if someone coughs on another person. Keeping that in mind, there should be no reason as to why we can’t stay a foot away from someone else. So what if someone coughs on me? I can fight any disease. The same is true if I “accidentally” cough on your grandma for taking the toilet paper I eyed from across the store. The only logical explanation for a weakened immune system would be if it came into contact with the lead found inside of vaccines. I even reinforced my system with oils and other natural products. In fact, any good American with a quarter of a brain should do the same. All those old people who keep kicking the bucket should learn a thing or two from the common man who takes his health seriously. 

      Luckily, not all our summer plans have to be ruined by fear-mongering officials. While they have closed the parks funded by our hard-earned tax dollars, local officials have decided to open up some public areas. As someone who has skimmed the Constitution twice, I feel like I speak for everyone when I say that this is the right thing to do. Health experts, however, weren’t very happy with this decision. Fake news and garbage tabloids reported an increase in cases because of the lack of distancing. Any common man can tell that the authorities are scrambling to try to boast about lockdown being the correct thing to do. The sheeple that eat that garbage bring shame upon the great men and women who want to get out of their house and away from their kids. Those sheeple also believe that a vaccine can swoop down and save the day. In the eyes of a freethinker, this is simply false and horrifying. I would rather get that flu than be injected with a tracker hidden within that awful vaccine. 

      This disease is nothing more than the authorities and the Chinese making up a bogus disease to achieve global domination. Who really cares about this when all the propaganda is just phony? Luckily, the United States is being commanded by President Donald John Trump, who will see us through this debacle and make America great again.