You know what I love? You know what I absolutely, resoundley love with all my heart? Going into a bathroom stall and seeing a brown surprise left for me. I mean, what could be better than seeing such a treat? 

          Surely, anyone who leaves their excrement sitting in the toilet must have better things to do than flushing. I mean, come on! Flushing the toilet is so difficult! Whose bright idea was it to make waste removal done via something as hard as pulling a handle down? Who has the energy or smarts to figure out something that complicated? We may as well be doing calculus! 

          My favorite type of feces has to be the solid ones. The watery, liquid ones are cool and all, but I don’t know, there is just something about solid feces. Seeing a long, brown, organic piece of waste floating on the water like a log is so satisfying! 

          Despite my favoritism towards solid ones, the liquid ones are also pretty cool! Seeing the water in the bowl completely colored brown, clumps of gloppy mush mashing together into one big mass is so mesmerizing! Whenever I see something like that, I can’t help but wonder what the person who left it could have eaten to create such beauty. A chili-cheese burrito? Some spicy chicken wings? Perhaps some vegetables? Either way, I owe their bowels for creating such a work of art. Thank you diarrhea-inducing food!

          Speaking of food, if you’re lucky, you might find some on the bathroom floor. Not only are you relieving yourself, but you can also get free food while you’re at it. Awesome! I do love me some bathroom-floor apples! 

          While I tend to prefer feces, seeing someone leave their pee in the toilet is always a welcome sight! Especially if they missed the bowl, and it’s all over the seat and on the ground. Heck, you might even find some on the wall! Now that is truly impressive. 

          But of course, my favorite thing will always be feces. Going into a stall and having such a beautiful sight imprinted in my eyes for the rest of the day, so much so that I can barely stomach eating, is the best experience in the world! Why would I want to enjoy my lunch when I could spend that time thinking about the works of art our bodies can create? 

Ah, school bathrooms. Truly a place of giving. Whether it be apples on the ground, pee on the wall, or unflushed dung, a pleasant surprise will be waiting for you. What could be better than that?